


Coom Jar

by CynicallyKryptid



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Community: homesmut, M/M, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicallyKryptid/pseuds/CynicallyKryptid
Summary: {Warning!! This is a fic I made because it made me laugh, I made this as a joke with the help of my friends, it's for the ironies dawg}Jade is a bit of a show off.Jake and John end up in the Cum Jar because of it 😔✌️
Relationships: Jake English/Equius Zahhak, John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 7
Kudos: 29





	Coom Jar

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoy this satirical peice of basically porn, please click the links as they come! It is art done by my friends who's Instas can be found @flickerfins and @crackheadcryptid

Jade was always a show off man, but this time she screwed up.

How is she supposed to explain _this_.

This being John, like only an Inch tall in the palm of her hand kinda freaking out.

"Frick, I'm gonna fix this John I swear. I just uh, gotta put you somewhere for safe keeping."

"Safe Keeping!? What am I a Toy!? Jaaaaaade!"

Jade pretended she couldn't hear that really small voice coming from her palm and glanced around the meteor Kitchen.

Ah! A Mason Jar. Those are like, Universal Dude.

She grabbed it and lifted John by his teeny shirt and dropped him in making him kick and curse at her angrily. Jade apologized profusely before she ran off to look for Rose for her help. John let out a frustrated scream and laid down in the jar kicking his legs up on it.

Huh. Everything was pretty, Big now. He's so small, his little stupid baby hands are now doll sized! Fuck.

The first person to find little John was Dirk. Thank God!! A friend!!

John sat up all cheerfully,

"Dirk!! Dude help! Jade shrunk me!!"

Dirk seemed surprised and picked up the jar, "Shit, Dude you're so tiny."

"Duh! I just said Jade shrunk me."

"Yeah I can barely hear you at all." Dirk is holding the jar up and John's sitting on his knees,,, Oh.

John do be lookin kinda thick doe.

Dirk took John back to his room and set the jar at his table. In the kitchen, Jade was dragging Jake to help cause she can't find Rose. She didn't notice the missing jar yet, and began to demonstrate for Jake what happened when she shrunk John.

Subsequently accidently shrinking Jake too. "Aaaaaah! Nooo heck I'm so so sorry Jake!"

To Jade's dismay there was another Jar at the ready and she dropped Jake in it carefully,

"Wait, Where's John? UUUUGH! Dangit!" J

banged on the glass, "Hey! You can't leave me in here! This is rather rude my dearest, I request to be Released Immediately!!"

But Jade was already running off again.

"Well, Fiddlesticks…"

Back in Dirk's room, Dirk had his head down to gaze at little John, All plump and little like an Anime doll or some shit.

John could not see what Dirk was doing under his desk.

They kinda had a weird staring contest but Dirk's face got red and he hid it, making some weird noises as John sat confused and worried for his friend.

"Dirk? Are you okay?" Before John really knew what was going on, Dirk had stood up, holding something just above John's Jar.

[OwO! What's this?](https://drive.google.com/file/d/13bfLyJM-JXaQLLIgiyp4W1eLtSawvH5P/view?usp=drivesdk)

Before John knew what hit him, he was very wet, warm, and sticky.

John sat back on his ass and looked down at himself, he was covered in… Looking up he was face to,,, well. Dick.

Dirk had his mouth covered face entirely red, dick still in his hand dripping cum over the side of John's open jar and John's eyes widened,

"D...Did you just, DID YOU JUST CUM ON ME!?"

Dirk quickly tucked himself away in his pants embarrassed and rushed off, John screaming and yelling at him to let him out of the Jar and explain himself. John looked down at himself, Oh my God.

He's like, drenched in Cum. Dirk's. _Bruh_. It's so warm and nasty!! John was very unsure of how to feel when he saw the door open.

He had been hoping for Dirk to come back with an explanation. That is not what he got.

Back in the kitchen with our dear poor Jake, Equius came in for some milk. He was instead greeted by a tiny little English!!

"Oh, hello Equius! I seem to have been put in an enormous jar, and because of my tiny physical being, I can't get out! Mind helping out a friend ol' fellow?" Jake asked with a smile.

Equius started sweating as per usual and lifted up the jar. Jake,,, English Ass. Hhhhh babey,,,

"Why of course, but why should I remove you from the Jar? You're...Safer there."

Jake pouted, "Ah but it is rather small! I'd much prefer I be let out please!"

"But what if someone...squishes you? You're very small, it's dangerous to be so tiny you know. So, Fragile."

Jake gave a hum and sat down. "My, I do believe you're right! Oh deary...But it's rather boring in here…" Equius gently placed Jake's jar down and the human looked around curiously, "Oh! Why are we in your room dear Chum? Hm? Why are you unzipping your Pants?"

John hadn't been expecting Dave, and flushed hard at his best friend seeing the sight of him that is, one inch tall and covered in cum and basically sitting in a pool of it.

Dave walked closer, "I was looking for Dirk but uh...Jesus…"

John covered his face whining, "Daaaave! Help me! D-Dirk he, uuuugh! I think he got it in my mouth!" Over poor John's tiny soft whining was the sound of pants unzipping. Dave mumbled under his breath, "dear lord please forgive me for what I'm about to do." 

John heard it and looked up, gasping to see Dave with his dick out and in his hand sporting a semi, biting his lip and looking at John trapped in the Jar of someone else's cum.

[D-Dave ónò ](https://drive.google.com/file/d/13kZozabNphZgjbvxAjU0A6qzvGqS1aVz/view?usp=drivesdk)

John fell back and scooted to the very edge of the jar, biting his lip eyes now wide. Dave couldn't even hear him could he?

But John could hear him. He whined and squirmed listening to Dave grunt and moan and pant his name all while jerking off right in front of him. John couldn't look away, he couldn't really go anywhere, and Dirk's Cum was not staying as liquid as it was before. John feels even more tacky and sticky now and he watched as Dave moved closer, adjusting the tip of his member over the top of the jar.

As Dave's breath caught John squeaked and covered his face this time. Now his head and knees were COVERED in Dave's seed, he moved his hands looking at himself before looking up at Dave all teary eyed making Dave curse,

"Shit, man don't look so, cute, it makes it worse!" John is beyond red, and now all of his clothes are soaked through with cum and John was begging Dave to help him out of the jar to clean up.

Oh Poor, Poor Jake.

See, two loads of Strider? Shit that is nothing. Considering Trolls? Cum enough to fill literal Buckets. And little Jakey here is in a container quite a bit smaller than a Bucket my friend.

When Equius had taken Jake to his room this was not what he had been expecting.

[ÔwÒ?](https://drive.google.com/file/d/13jUE76HflemgqJBG8--XpQWo_eeV4KTb/view?usp=drivesdk)

In Equius' strong but steady and careful hands was a very large, girthy bulge writhing around leaving behind blue tinted pre all over his hand.

Jake's face immediately flushed, "Oh! W-Well this is Forward ahaha! I, I am quite into Lads and Lassies containing the color Blue but this uh, Was never quite what I had in mind you see!"

Equius' own face was flushed blue as he watched Jake before, honestly rather politely, asking Jake to turn around.

Okay so. Equius Definitely isn't letting Jake out of the Jar. And, Jake knows that this is probably inevitable so to save his poor mouth the fate of getting any dreadful substances in it he obeyed the request, ears burning as he heard Equius speed up and the lewd down right pornographic noises he was making just at the sight of Jake.

Jake got on his knees and buried his face into his arms trying to hide his flush as he allowed his strange companion to stare at his derriere while shaking the figurative snake.

What came next had been anticipated but Jake did not expect how much there was.

The Jar was suddenly flooded in blue liquid that was surprisingly very very cool to the touch and it still had managed to get into Jake's mouth. It didn't taste great let's be real here. Honestly if anything it tasted like, Milk but if it was blue and had the same bite to it as pineapple.

[OwO!](https://drive.google.com/file/d/13l8g-RQucuHxHXnjv_zVUu9eFu-6-GjV/view?usp=drivesdk)

Jake stood up looking down at his ruined clothes, eyes wide at the sheer amount of cum inside the jar with him.

Equius started to panic, "Oh gosh are you okay?!" "Jesus mate! Nearly blew me away with that load entirely! How on Earth is there so much of this stuff?"

Equius gently lifted Jake from the jar by his shirt, setting him down as he held his arms out clothes dripping blue genetic material all over the already ruined Table when Jade and Rose busted in leaving Equius barely enough time to get his junk under control and in his pants.

Soon there was a very disappointed/awkward band of Gods looking around for another Jar. Jake was in Equius' hand cause the girls refused to touch him, and when they ran into Dave in the hallways holding a jar they all gasped and sighed in relief.

"Dave! You have John! Thank God," then she paused, tilting her head a bit. "Why's John sitting in a bunch of condensed Milk?"

It's as if Jake's situation slipped her mind and Rose face palmed with a grimace, disgusted. Equius was the one who had to step up, "Uhm... Jade. That's Not Milk."

She looked up confused, "Then Wha…" then she looked at Dave all pissed,

" _ **STRIDER**_!" 

Dirk, who had been on his way back to his room to fetch little John, heard that and quickly started walking in the opposite direction.

"Tch, No you don't!" Rose said going after him briskly.

Safe to say, the boys were cleaned up, Jade had to pay for John's therapy, and all three Sexual Deviants were thoroughly punished for their Crimes of Horny.


End file.
